Food

Ten years ago a guy in a wool sweater tried to kill me, Dan, John, and Mark with his shotgun while we were escaping from his backyard because he thought we raped his daughter. We didn’t want the media to bring it up anymore so we decided to go to his house in the country and kill him. I parked my car behind his red barn so it would be well hidden and we went inside his house because he wasn’t home. He soon came home and was surprised to see us so we asked if we could borrow his tools (so we could kill him with them) but he caught on and we decided to come back later. We were playing with his knives in the kitchen and he came home again but wasn’t as surprised to see us. John was reading one of his magazines and asked him if he had a third nipple that needed removing. He said no and sat down at the table. There was a rug on the floor with an uneven design so I cut off the side to make it right and when I was done with that I got up and they had already cut off his arms. I burned four Anberlin songs for Mark each on a separate disc then we turned into miniature South Park characters and made sparkly cardboard dioramas that shrink when you pray and sing a special song in the sunlight. Then we turned into gooey monsters and chased him down the road but we were still small so I used my nuclear magic powers to make us regular size then we turned into giant fruit and fell off a snowy cliff. Then Vera and I went and made more shrinky boxes on a mountain and in a museum.

My dad and I were going to Target looking for sports stuff. We went inside but it was really a grocery store. There were many people from school shopping with their parents. I soon discovered that I worked there along with many other students and that a party was being held in our honor. Our very skinny teachers in their bizarre outfits made us wait in line for food. While in line the setting changed into a nighttime hot springs resort. Adjacent to the nearest pool was a fiery rectangular hole in the ground that talked and demanded road kill for food. People kept stuffing furniture in it but that didn't do anything. The hole discovered that one woman in the pool had received a skin transplant, it said she wouldn't be harmed if she crawled inside. She went inside and found herself in a virtual casino. The fiery hole had turned into a giant chameleon and said that this virtual casino was an exact replica of the one in Die Hard and that there are only two ways out: win, or die. Then the room transformed into a dark jungle room and I found myself watching a movie with my dad, step mom, and grandmother but my grandmother was really a small orange monkey and we started naming various television cops.

Hannah, Jeska, and I watched Bryan and 20 other guys walk off the roof of my dorm without getting hurt. Then I stopped by Cole’s dorm room. Then I walked my bike around some empty buildings in Boulder. Then I went outside. Hannah and Jeska were at the farmers' market. Then I went to work where Christine, Daniel, and my mom were searching for a particular wine. Then I went to the new Thrashin’ Manor but the new people were dumb and I forgot my shoes and hat so I went into a girls bathroom that was occupied. Then Nikki and Britty took pictures of Hannah and me making out in a corner.

Scott or Greg and I were driving through the desert at night when a radio ad came on that said we had to buy their Bill Cosby compilation because he was going to pay somebody to kill him. So we got out and started our fire and fed it popcorn and eggs. There was also something about CSU being a very large graveyard.

On my birthday, I was walking around the cafeteria in my dorm with a really nerdy guy. There were lots of good food and no people. We discovered that NOFX was playing in an adjacent room. The nerdy guy had never heard of them. NOFX had three members and each one was wearing a Marv costume. They finished playing and removed their costumes. One of the members was a female whom we proceeded to fuck.